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CAGE MATCH OF DEATH -
Kung Fu Hustle (2004) vs Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky (1991)
By: The Demon Deacon

ATTENTION SINNERS: I am Reverend Fred E. Lee; the Mad Monk of Missouri, the Sinister Minister of the Mississippi river, and the freakin’ Demon Deacon of the ENTIRE Southeast Region and I’m welcoming you to the inaugural Cage Match Of Death! Let the torture that these two films depict remind you of what Satan will inflict upon you for eternity. Read along and pick a winner, but remember: the real loser is God, if you don’t allow Him to come inside you. I think we can all relate to God on that one.
Round 1:
Kung Fu Hustle comes right out of his corner with a flying dance number and multiple kills! Meanwhile, Riki-Oh is spending the first 5 minutes focused on the bureaucratic processes involved in checking in prisoners to a maximum security prison. KFH continues to just pound Riki-Oh to the ground with hatchet murders, fireworks, and snazzy-dressed 1930‘s gangsters. Riki-Oh, meanwhile, is taking a shower. Round 1 goes to the Hustle, who is sure intent on punishing sinners, Old Testament-style.
Round 2:
We’re 10 minutes in to each film, and Riki-Oh finally gets some offense, by slamming Kung Fu Hustle to the ground, impaling him on a rusty nail sticking out of a wooden board! KFH is stunned, spending the next ten minutes wandering around introducing us to it’s quirky and unique cast of characters. Meanwhile, Riki is tearing off body parts and punching right through KFH’s stomach and disemboweling him! Disgusting, but still a legal maneuver here in the CMOD, where we really don’t value the health or welfare of our participants. As long as there’s an ass every 18 inches, we don’t care what happens to the talent... we’re modeled after the NFL in that way. Every time Riki meets some new, imposing antagonist in this film, he kills him within 2 scenes. The only thing more dangerous than spending the Sabbath murdering your mother and father while taking the Lord’s name in vain and fornicating with your neighbor’s wife, is being introduced to Riki and making eye contact.
Even better than the Gutbuster that Jaime Noble used.
Round 3:
How is there a Round 3, didn‘t Riki just murder-punch Kung Fu Hustle? It doesn’t matter because KFH just won’t stay down! This young kid has some real testicular fortitude. After 20 minutes of jaw-jacking, KFH is finally bringing the goods with a couple of master assassins. Blades are swinging, arrows are flying, heads are rolling... now THIS is how you punish those wicked sinners! What does Riki-Oh have left in the tank? Oh shoot, that dude is choking that other dude with his own intestines. I must confess, I love going to penal colonies-- you know, for missionary work and communal showers-- and I’ve found it’s far more pleasurable to choke a man with your hands than your innards. But I’m old fashioned that way.
Round 4:
While Kung Fu Hustle relies on eye-popping special effects to impress the viewer, Riki-Oh just relies on eye-popping. Now that's economical storytelling. Although I can appreciate the period costumes of KFH, there's just something that feels so right about a film with an all-male cast, trapped in a prison, playing basketball shirtlessly. Working out, shirtlessly. Wrestling. Shirtlessly. Riki-Oh is a pulse-pounding ride through the ins and outs of coming in and out of a male penal colony. At one point, Ricky meets a young boy in the prison and tells him "Not like that. Blow a little lighter and roll your tongue back." It's precisely this type of youth guidance that my ministry focuses on. I know when I was in the seminary, I was mentored by a bunch of old men that way.
The Deacon's Decision:
While we can all agree that both films did a tremendous job of warning the wicked to end their treacherous ways, only one crusader of Jesus cuts your stomach open, pulls out your intestines and chokes you with them. Since only one can be remembered forever as the victor, if you have a sinner in your life that you want to save: have them watch Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky. Every time someone dies, helpfully shout in their ear this friendly reminder, “This will be your fate, you corfusking shuttledock, if you don’t reject your secular ways and give yourself unto me!” They will appreciate it, I’m sure.
YOU'RE WINNER: Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky!!
The Bible-thumping, nun-humping, sinister minister that swings with the sisters will be back with another sermon next month. Until then, contact him at cinemaniac@cinemania.co or hit us up on Twitter: @RealCinemania
Kung Fu Hustle Images:
Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky Images:
 
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