Cage Match Of Death 2: The Last Dragon vs. Black Dynamite - CineMania - Home Of The B-Movie Fan

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The modern era of films has largely been devoid of anything properly representing the Blaxploitation genre. After 1979's Disco Godfather dropped the mic, the rest of the industry shied away from making action films centering on black culture and predominantly starring black actors. A decade later, Keenan Ivory Wayans (I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, A Low Down Dirty Shame) and Mario Van Peebles (New Jack City, Posse) reinvented the concept of African American films made by blacks, but accessible to everybody. Eddie Murphy did a little of this as well, starring in Wes Craven’s hilarious Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), which may as well be named Blacula 3, but his career quickly devolved into banal family comedies. Spike Lee's films definitely have a lot of color but they're also so Shakespearean, with complex characterizations and extremely well executed dramatization that they have more in common with Oliver Stone or Martin Scorsese films than with the Rudy Ray Moore catalog.

Tyler Perry is the most prolific African American auteur of our generation, while Lee Daniels Is the most prestigious... this should tell you how dead old-school Blaxploitation is today. But just as 42% of all Americans believe in ghosts, occasionally a specter of this genre long since passed crosses the ethereal plane and affords us the merest glimpse of its essence. This grace has not gone unnoticed by our resident preacher, the Demon Deacon, who is here to bring you the second Cage Match of Death, this time between two modern behemoths of Blaxploitation, both bringing back blood and bullets by the bucket as they battle bosses, bareback bitches, and butcher the block! Are you ready for some kung fu affirmative-action? Their black belts are darker and bigger than anybody else's, they are Black Dynamite and Bruce Leroy! LIGHTS! CAMERA! BLACTION!
CAGE MATCH OF DEATH 2 -
Last Dragon (1985) vs Black Dynamite (2009)
By: The Demon Deacon
Round 1:
That is the first and last time I let that wordy little botched abortion introduce my column! I am the Archbishop of Arkansas, the Guru of the Gulf Coast, and the freakin’ Demon Deacon of the entire Southeast Region; bringing you today’s melee which is sure to be a fast-paced, no-holds-barred brouhaha of the highest order. This fight starts before the bell, as both films have a cold opening which introduces you to their universe. The Last Dragon shows you Bruce Leroy’s kung fu prowess with a shockingly long fight training sequence. I guess some stereotypes are true. Meanwhile, Black Dynamite opens with an ad for “Anaconda Malt Liquor”, the only malt liquor to be approved by the United States government. Round 1 is a draw, as both films come out swinging.
Round 2:
Black Dynamite keeps coming strong, with fast cuts and non-stop plot developments. B.D. even gets his own theme song, plus he’s fornicating with three women at once, PLUS he’s already kicked a guy through a wall? What’s Bruce Leroy up to 7 minutes in to his movie? He’s still in the corner talking to his trainer, not even aware that Black Dynamite is whooping his ass! Round 2 goes to Michael Jai White, who is playing the baddest man on the planet.
 
Round 3:
The Last Dragon is staging a comeback by introducing Sho’nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, played flamboyantly by Julius Carry from The Adventures of Brisco County Jr!! Plus, Mike Starr, the Danny Aiello look-a-like who killed Lloyd Christmas’ bird in Dumb & Dumber is sporting a Jewfro! Black Dynamite is standing toe-to-toe however, with the character Bullhorn spitting hilarious rhymes while Tommy Davidson hams it up as Cream Corn! These two evenly-matched opponents are trading blows and countering each others’ every maneuver! This is one for the ages, folks!
 
Round 4:
A half-hour in to each movie, and there’s been a lot of interference. Vanity and William H. Macy have each run down to save The Last Dragon, while Brian McKnight and Arsenio Hall have come to the aid of Black Dynamite. What’s this? Mike Starr has turned on The Last Dragon and now he’s in Black Dynamite, too?! Black Dynamite is definitely winning the character name battle, as they’ve introduced characters named Tasty Freeze, Sweet Meat, Afro-ditey, Black Hand Jack, and John Salley is playing Kotex! Now, I know Bruce Leroy and Sho’nuff is funny, but that shit’s funnier.
 
Round 5:
Let’s get Taimak and Michael Jai White to make a movie together. An action comedy with an ensemble cast, uniting decades’ worth of black action stars in a sort of Blaxpendables franchise of films. We’ll get Wesley Snipes to play Blackie Chan. Carl Weathers as Jive Owen. Billy Blanks as Darkie Trejo. This would be a big hit, outside of Ferguson, Missouri. Jet Magazine Li could be played by Will Smith, and Ving Rhames could be Charlie Afro-Sheen. We gotta have Pam Grier as Sigourney Weave. Fred Williamson could be Sammo Well-Hung. Can somebody convince Don Cheadle to play the drug dealer Sonny Cheeba? I know we ain’t gonna convince Denzel to slum it as Bro Willis! Samuel L. Jackson was born to play Jamal-Claude Van DAYUMN, though. He won’t say no to anything. Jamie Foxx as Jason Slavehand. That one was a reach, but it was safer than Idris Elba as Niggo Mortensen, so I subbed it because I don’t want to offend anyone. All the bad guys should be played by real-life racists like Michael Richards, Donald Sterling, Paula Deen, Riley Cooper, and Mel Gibson. Round 5 goes to The Last Dragon, I guess? I wasn’t paying attention.
 
Round 6:
Finally, we’re back to the action as The Last Dragon comes in strong with breakdancing/kung fu fighting little kids while Black Dynamite is busy inventing chicken and waffles. A worthy endeavor, to be sure, but it won’t land him a pinfall here in our steel cage of death! Black Dynamite reverses Bruce Leroy’s musical battle scene with a full fledged assault on the White House! That makes a heck of a lot of sense, and as a man of faith, I know plenty about heck. Black Dynamite finishes strong with a battle against Nunchuk Nixon, and he breaks a commandment by stealing the First Lady!
 
The Deacon’s Decision:
Michael Jai White, my ninja, is one bad futher-mudger. If you want tons of cheesy 80’s music videos by Motown artists then The Last Dragon will satisfy, but ultimately Black Dynamite is faster, funnier, and has fists more furious than his predecessor. Both films do a great job of depicting the danger and punishment you heathens deserve for your money-grubbing and drug-dealing ways, but only one can stand as the victor: Black Dynamite! Show a drug abusing lowlife in your family this film to remind them of the fate that awaits them if they continue their sinful ways.
One More Thing Before I Go:
Being a southern gentleman, I feel it necessary to say a few words about the racial jokes we’ve made in this week’s CMOD. Having African American friends, I know that they aren’t offended by silly jokes that poke fun at racial stereotypes. I know that, in general, a good-humored friend of any race would rather laugh at the differences between your two cultures rather than have a long-winded discussion about what is –and isn’t- appropriate to say, so as to avoid offense or confrontation. If you spout racial epithets with bile and hatred, using them as knives to cut or threaten someone you view to be your opponent, then you are evil and a racist, simply put. However, if you use racial slurs as a means to make light of cruelty, and to remove the power from those words, then you are actually helping to remove racism from our society. When it comes to what you say, intent matters as much as content.

Lately, a lot of people have been using their energy to remove or ban the confederate flag from different locations and events. I don’t particularly care for the confederate flag, but I think banning it is stupid. Those who oppose that flag are confusing it with actual racism. They think that by attacking the flag, they’re directly affecting racism as an entity and destroying it. In reality, you’re fighting a rattlesnake by removing its rattle. Your experience tells you that every time you hear the rattle, someone gets injected with the poison of the snake, so you think—no rattle, no more poisonous bites. The confederate flag, like the rattlesnake’s noisy tail, is a fair warning: anyone displaying it is saying, “I’m full of poison, ignorance, and I probably have a dick so small it takes a biologist to tell what gender I am.” Anytime I see someone proudly displaying the “Stars And Bars” on a bumper sticker, my douche bag radar goes off and I avoid that person like they have leprosy. Wearing confederate sunglasses and listening to Kid Rock are the only two things Kate Upton could do to avoid me putting my wang in her.

There is no ceiling to the hotness a woman could possess that wouldn’t be destroyed by that flag. If Olivia Munn was stripping down right here, presenting her genitals to me by bending over to let me take her doggy style, but then I see a rebel flag tramp stamp adorning her otherwise flawless body—my wiener would wilt faster than a daisy in a drought. The point is; the confederate flag is one of many symbols of stupidity that assist us in choosing better friends. Displaying the confederate flag doesn't define you as a racist, it just exposes you as one. I’d rather let the rattlesnakes in my community keep their little toddler toy, so I can better avoid them in the wild. Anyway, I said all that so that I could say this without seeming racist: the best black action hero name to top off our Blaxpendables film franchise, hands down, is: Arnold Schwarzenigger. Your move, filmmakers.
The Bible-thumping, nun-humping, sinister minister that swings with the sisters will be back with another sermon next month. Until then, contact him at cinemaniac@cinemania.co or hit us up on Twitter: @RealCinemania
The Last Dragon Images:
Black Dynamite Images:
 
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