Black Dynamite keeps coming strong, with fast cuts and non-stop plot developments. B.D. even gets his own theme song, plus he’s fornicating with three women at once, PLUS he’s already kicked a guy through a wall? What’s Bruce Leroy up to 7 minutes in to his movie? He’s still in the corner talking to his trainer, not even aware that Black Dynamite is whooping his ass! Round 2 goes to Michael Jai White
, who is playing the baddest man on the planet.
The Last Dragon is staging a comeback by introducing Sho’nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, played flamboyantly by Julius Carry
from The Adventures of Brisco County Jr
!! Plus, Mike Starr
, the Danny Aiello look-a-like who killed Lloyd Christmas’ bird in Dumb & Dumber is sporting a Jewfro! Black Dynamite is standing toe-to-toe however, with the character Bullhorn spitting hilarious rhymes while Tommy Davidson
hams it up as Cream Corn! These two evenly-matched opponents are trading blows and countering each others’ every maneuver! This is one for the ages, folks!
A half-hour in to each movie, and there’s been a lot of interference. Vanity
and William H. Macy
have each run down to save The Last Dragon, while Brian McKnight
and Arsenio Hall
have come to the aid of Black Dynamite. What’s this? Mike Starr has turned on The Last Dragon and now he’s in Black Dynamite, too?! Black Dynamite is definitely winning the character name battle, as they’ve introduced characters named Tasty Freeze, Sweet Meat, Afro-ditey, Black Hand Jack, and John Salley
is playing Kotex! Now, I know Bruce Leroy and Sho’nuff is funny, but that shit’s funnier.
Let’s get Taimak
and Michael Jai White to make a movie together. An action comedy with an ensemble cast, uniting decades’ worth of black action stars in a sort of Blaxpendables franchise of films. We’ll get Wesley Snipes
to play Blackie Chan. Carl Weathers
as Jive Owen. Billy Blanks
as Darkie Trejo. This would be a big hit, outside of Ferguson, Missouri
. Jet Magazine Li could be played by Will Smith
, and Ving Rhames
could be Charlie Afro-Sheen. We gotta have Pam Grier
as Sigourney Weave. Fred Williamson
could be Sammo Well-Hung. Can somebody convince Don Cheadle
to play the drug dealer Sonny Cheeba? I know we ain’t gonna convince Denzel
to slum it as Bro Willis! Samuel L. Jackson
was born to play Jamal-Claude Van DAYUMN, though. He won’t say no to anything. Jamie Foxx
as Jason Slavehand. That one was a reach, but it was safer than Idris Elba
as Niggo Mortensen, so I subbed it because I don’t want to offend anyone. All the bad guys should be played by real-life racists like Michael Richards
, Donald Sterling
, Paula Deen
, Riley Cooper
, and Mel Gibson
. Round 5 goes to The Last Dragon, I guess? I wasn’t paying attention.
Finally, we’re back to the action as The Last Dragon comes in strong with breakdancing/kung fu fighting little kids while Black Dynamite is busy inventing chicken and waffles. A worthy endeavor, to be sure, but it won’t land him a pinfall here in our steel cage of death! Black Dynamite reverses Bruce Leroy’s musical battle scene with a full fledged assault on the White House! That makes a heck of a lot of sense, and as a man of faith, I know plenty about heck. Black Dynamite finishes strong with a battle against Nunchuk Nixon, and he breaks a commandment by stealing the First Lady!
The Deacon’s Decision:
Michael Jai White, my ninja, is one bad futher-mudger. If you want tons of cheesy 80’s music videos by Motown artists then The Last Dragon will satisfy, but ultimately Black Dynamite is faster, funnier, and has fists more furious than his predecessor. Both films do a great job of depicting the danger and punishment you heathens deserve for your money-grubbing and drug-dealing ways, but only one can stand as the victor: Black Dynamite! Show a drug abusing lowlife in your family this film to remind them of the fate that awaits them if they continue their sinful ways.