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Dumpster Diamonds From The 9th Dimension
By: Mickael
I prefer blues to jazz. I like punk music more than classic rock. I think graffiti looks better than "fine art".

I've never been one to seek out the brightly polished or the finely tuned, I'm more enamored with things that are raw. I'll take my diamonds in the rough-- heavy on the rough, please.

That's why, when it comes to movies, I don't just watch the meticulously crafted masterpiece films from the likes of Kubrick or Hitchcock. (Though they have their place and deserve their accolades!) I'll take a heaping helping of Fulci, a side of Jack Hill, and polish off the night with some Roger Corman.

So, when I recommend a bunch of flicks to you fine folks, I'm not examining them through some faux-intellectual prism, like the so-called "experts" or those highfalutin' critics. Instead, I find a film that's simply fun, obscure, unique, and entertaining- something I feel is worthy of your 90 minutes- and I recommend that instead.

I choose to find my diamonds in the dumpster, not in the stuffy showrooms of a museum. That's why each of these films come straight from the bargain bins, the flea markets, and the tape traders of the world. The only criteria a movie must meet to become one of my Dumpster Diamonds (other than being entertaining) is that it must have fewer than 5,000 ratings on IMDb. And now, here is yet another set of my favorite Dumpster Diamonds:
Movie Math: This Girl Is Bad-Ass!! = Transporter + Premium Rush + Ong Bak + Grrl Power!
This Girl Is Bad-Ass!! is an R-rated martial arts flick from Thailand, best described as "The Transporter on a bicycle". Young bike messenger Jukkalan is unwittingly hired by gangsters to smuggle illegal goods, putting her family and herself at risk. To survive, she has to fight her way out of trouble.
Although the story is basic and the acting is nothing to write home about, the primary reasons to watch this exceptionally well-shot movie are the fight scenes and the slapstick comedy. 
Make no mistake, this film is not nearly on the par with Kung Fu Hustle or any of the many great Jackie Chan kung fu comedies, but if you've exhausted your supply of those flicks (and if you loved Ong Bak or The Protector), then this is the next movie you should see!
#4: Burst City (1982)
Movie Math: Burst City = The Warriors + Pitch Perfect + Punk Rock ÷ Lack Of Budget
Director Sogo Ishii is an experimental film maker, who thinks nothing of casting aside traditional storytelling devices, strapping on a highly charged electric guitar, and just shredding your fucking face off. In a futuristic Tokyo, gangs of punk rockers battle music groups and the police force in this dark, frantically-paced film.
In most "cyberpunk" films, there's an emphasis on the "cyber" and only undertones of "punk". In this flick, punk rock is essentially the lifeblood of the film. It doesn't just punctuate the story, it defines it. So, if you love punk as much as I do, you'll find it easy to put on this hyperkinetic action musical and rage against the syndicate!
#3: Sweet Movie (1974)
Movie Math: Sweet Movie = (Hansel & Gretel + A Boat) x (Almost Famous + German Scat Porn)
Let me start by warning you that Sweet Movie is not for everybody. If you love old-school exploitation and shock films and you think you've seen everything, then you may be on board for what Sweet Movie has in store for you. However, if you go to church on the reg and you get your panties in a bunch over "swear words", then you suck at life, and also this movie will destroy you.
For the rest of you, the grand majority that resides in the wide gulf between those two extremes, this film will likely push you in one direction or the other. If, prior to watching Sweet Movie, you considered yourself "open-minded" and "adventurous", then this film's extreme portrayal of sexual deviance and lewd acts might just titillate you and encourage you to seek out more of the same. However, if you are of a somewhat conservative mindset, this film will likely radicalize you into an evangelical Bible thumper. It's just that divisive. I know I'm not giving you very much info on the flick itself, and for good reason: it's disturbing. It's subversive. It's despicable. It's fucked the fuck up.
Sweet Movie is in the Criterion Collection,
meaning it ought to be available on Hulu!
#2: Goliathon (aka The Mighty Peking Man) 
(aka King Of The Orangutans) (1977)
Movie Math: Goliathon = King Kong + Tarzan + Asian Culture + BEWBS
Hidden high up in the Himalayan mountains lives the Peking Man, a gigantic man-ape who is not your typical Yeti. In his secluded wilderness, far from the prying eyes of civilized man, he has been raising a beautiful, orphaned blonde woman who was stranded there as a child, a la Mowgli from The Jungle Book.
When this sexy lady Tarzan is taken back to the city by a party of explorers, the Peking Man seeks to recapture his jungle bride. What we end up with then, is a high camp version of "King Kong in Hong Kong", brought to you by none other than the legendary Shaw Brothers Studio, typically known for their kung fu masterpieces. This notable departure is a ridiculous, over-the-top creature feature, one of the wildest bits of cheesy escapism that you've ever seen!
#1: Gravy (2015)
Movie Math: Gravy = Hannibal + Clerks 2 + Wacky Costumes ÷ Budgetary Restraints
My worst restaurant experience took place when I was probably 5 or 6. My family and I were eating out at a large seafood restaurant in South Florida, when suddenly I had to use the restroom. At that age, I was feeling my first independent streak and I absolutely hated it when either of my parents would chaperone me in the bathroom, as though I were some kind of prisoner who couldn't be trusted with access to my own penis. Stubbornly, I refused their security escort and went off to urinate all by lonesome. My mom agreed, as long as I swore to "wash up, or else!"

Once I found the men's room and saddled up to the shortest of the urinals, I started wondering where the hell I was supposed to look while I was peeing. Should I just stare at the wall, like some sort of dolt? If I look side-to-side, somebody might think I were looking at their weiner, so I knew I shouldn't do that either, even though I was all alone. I settled on staring straight up at the ceiling, because that's not retarded at all, and then I saw one of the ceiling tiles start to move. The tile lifted up to reveal a pitch black entryway into the ceiling. Out of the darkness, a white-gloved hand reached towards me! I screamed, and turned towards the door to run, but then I remembered that I HAD to wash up "or else". So, I bolted back towards the sink, never looking away from that hole in the ceiling, ran cold water over my hands for a split second, and ran back to my parents' table. I still hate seafood to this day, but mostly because it smells like a yeast-infested vagina and tastes half as good.
That childhood restaurant experience may have left me scarred for life, but it's nothing compared to the horror that awaits restaurant patrons in Gravy. Michael Weston, Jimmi Simpson, & Lily Cole are flamboyant psychotics who hold the staff of a Mexican cantina hostage on All Hallow's Eve so they can hold a sick cannibal feast! Gravy is not your typical cannibal movie, however, as it's trio of stars have enough acting chops to cut through the toughest gristle. The film is written and directed by Psych's James Roday, and co-stars comedians Sarah Silverman and Paul Rodriguez, giving it plenty of sizzle to go along with its steak!

With all of this on the menu, your expectations may be sky high. Well, slow your roll a bit. The movie is not the funniest horror comedy ever. Nor is it the grossest cannibal movie. What it is, though, is a capable thriller disguised underneath a tremendous amount of quotable dialogue, pop culture references, and funny set-ups. It's almost a comedy of errors, reminiscent more of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels than a witty, laugh-a-minute riot like Shaun Of The Dead. Set your expectations to moderate, and you'll be blown away by the fact that this movie flew under your radar!
Are you fixing to pitch a bitch fit over what I had to say? Please let us know at: cinemaniac@cinemania.co
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