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Hall Of Names: The Second Class
By: Mickael
Back in June, we inducted 10 actors whose names amuse us into our Hall Of Names. Well, let's do it again! But first, the introduction. What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. However, if roses were called "herpes" they would make really bad Valentine’s Day gifts. Some names become synonymous with greed, like Trump or Ponzi. Some names become synonymous with food, like Sandwich; or intelligence, like Einstein. Not everyone has a name that lends itself so easily to future eponyms though. Some names are just so damn fun to say out loud that they trigger laughter at their very mention.
Lake Titicaca
Mount Gay Rum
Big Bone Lick
Ayds Candy.
Sometimes great things come with unfortunate names. It’s in that spirit that we bring you our list of nominees for the Hall Of Names: people whose careers may never gain them notoriety, but whose names are among the most ridiculous to ever appear on a SAG card. These folks deserve some type of recognition just for working in show business with names like....
This 68-year-old Hawaiian actor has more than just a fun name on his resume. From the King and I on Broadway, to Twelve Monkeys with Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt. He's played King Lear, King Arthur, and MacBeth; but also King Tito in Abel Ferrara's King Of New York, where he shared the screen with Christopher Walken. He's gone from working with Ray Liotta and Kiefer Sutherland in Article 99, to voicing the Dalai Lama in the audiobook for The Art Of Happiness. He's now a professor, teaching theatre at Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, NY. In spite of all of these fantastic accomplishments, I choose to think of him for his name. "Abuba" sounds like the word an overweight tribal leader repeats as he slaps his belly and thrusts his pelvis in preparation of mating with his recently captured white concubine in the jungle. Abuba! Abuba! Abuba...
I'm sure you know Imogen Poots from 28 Weeks Later, Fright Night, or Need For Speed. If not, she has 26 other credits to her name (not bad for a 26-year-old). Imogen was born in the Queen Charlotte's and Chelsea Hospital in London, to parents Trevor and Fiona. She then attended the Bute House Preparatory School For Girls before going to Queen's Gate School For Girls and then joining the Youngblood Theatre Company. That's the most British shit I've ever heard of. Imogen is so British, even her teacups have monocles. She eats mushy peas and shits union jacks. She sneezes Marmite. Her poots smell like toffee. Hehe, "poots". Don't imagine Imogen's poots, you cheeky wanker!
This Canadian musician made a name for himself as a battle rapper before entering the Hollywood fray. As a recording artist, he's worked with the likes of Snoop Dogg, Drake, and Sticky Fingaz. As an actor, he's worked with Ray Liotta and Jason Patric in Narc; Erik Estrada in Chupacabra vs. The Alamo; and kung fu cannibals in Evil Feed. Now I know I'm cheating, because this is obviously a stage name, but I imagine that anyone named Bishop Brigante is a flamboyant Italian supervillain, dressed like a high-ranking Catholic dignitary, who isn't dangerous enough to warrant attention from Superman so the Justice League sends Blue Beetle or Guy Gardner to take him down. Damn you, J'onn J'onzz!!
Bingbing Li (sometimes credited as Li Bing Bing) is a Chinese actress who has been dominating the roles formerly filled by the likes of Anita Mui or Maggie Cheung. From 2004's Silver Hawk with Michelle Yeoh to 2008's The Forbidden Kingdom with Jet Li & Jackie Chan, Bingbing has established herself as a reliable character actress that brings a relatable fragility even to her ass-kicking characters. Perhaps her most famous performance was as Ada Wong in Resident Evil: Retribution, though she was also memorable in Transformers: Age Of Extinction and Jackie Chan's 1911. Her fame is even more impressive when you consider the fact that Bingbing Li obviously stole the identity of a panda bear.
Swisyzinna Moore is a model, actress, and writer from Norfolk, Virginia. She starred in The Ouija Experiment in 2011, before taking that hard road as an extra for a few years. This year, she's starred in two shorts: Flight Fright and Mirror Mirror. Soon, her SwisArmy will be happy to see her in two comedies: Lady Luck and Dating In Real Life. But, with a name like Swisyzinna, she should be a powerful sorceress that our hero can't quite trust (but he needs to) because only she knows how to use the sacred amulet to safely enter the forbidden forest, where he suspects his wife is being held captive.
This horny Hong Kong tranny is mostly known for being a news presenter, TV host, and purveyor of penises. When she's not busy bluntly offering her dick to everyone she meets, she also makes films likes The Marine 2 and Aleta: Vampire Mistress. For a 35-year-old, you'd think she'd have more credits... maybe if this shemale could stop soliciting liquor store clerks for sex every time they ask for her ID, then she'd have enough time for work. Do you wannahercock? I don't wanna Wanamakok's cock. Now, I do feel sort of badly because Able Wanamakok is actually a very kind and gentle person who works hard and (despite her name) doesn't really have a penis. She currently resides in Thailand with her husband, where she works as a travel show host and news anchor for Phuket. Phuket? God I hope that's not one of those times that the ph sounds like /f/...
Over the course of his 71-year career, Red Buttons was a comedian and actor that worked with the likes of Gene Hackman, John Wayne, Jane Fonda, and Evel Knievel. Notable among his 82 credits are Hatari, Five Weeks In A Balloon, The Longest Day, The Poseidon Adventure, The Ambulance, and When Time Ran Out... He was a Broadway actor who was drafted into the USAAF during World War II. In Sayonara, he co-starred alongside Marlon Brando, James Garner, and Ricardo Montalban... and managed to win an Oscar for best supporting actor! He was born with the name Aaron Chwatt but, as a ginger-headed 16-year-old bellhop working in the Bronx, was nicknamed "Red Buttons" by orchestra leader Charles "Dinty" Moore and he kept the name throughout the rest of his career. Good choice.
Screaming Mad George may have been born Joji Tani in Osaka, Japan; but everything he's done since has earned him his new name. He started out as a punk rocker, whose gory music videos got him a job in film. He became a special effects artist that has worked on Predator, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Maker, Children Of The Corn III: Urban Harvest, Space Truckers (one of my favs), The Dentist 2, and Beyond Re-Animator.  He directed Mark Hamill and Jimmie "JJ" Walker in the great 1991 film Guyver. In 1998, he released a Japanese-only surreal nightmare known as Paranoiascape on Playstation. Since 2001, Screaming Mad George has been responsible for those insane horror masks worn by Slipknot. It's not even a nickname at this point. "Screaming Mad George" should be on his driver's license, and it should be on his tombstone, should Death ever have the balls to try and claim his soul. If SMG ever does end up in Hell, he'd redecorate, and then Satan would move out because it's "too creepy".
For the past decade, there has hardly been a video game or a short film that hasn't had Hugh Mun in it. He was in Full Spectrum Warrior, Medal Of Honor, and Unit 13. He rubbed elbows with Dweezil Zappa, Ana Gasteyer, and David Koechner in Fully Loaded. It was Hugh Mun vs giant arachnids in Camel Spiders. I can't tell if Hugh Mun is his real name or a stage name, but either way... great job. 10 out of 10 for naming stuff accurately.
How the fuck did we neglect to put Rip Torn on the first ballot for the Hall Of Names? Somebody was asleep at the wheel. It's like forgetting to put George Washington on your list of best U.S. Presidents, or not including Zeus on your listicle of most influential Greek gods. Rip Torn is that pervasive in film. Every last one of us, as a child, sat in front of a screen of some sort and got a chuckle when the name "Rip Torn" came on screen. Depending on your age, this may have happened during an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Untouchables, or even Will & Grace. Most of you will fondly remember him as Zed in Men In Black, but he was also in The Beastmaster, Robocop 3, Canadian Bacon, Dolly Dearest, and hundreds more. Rip Torn is the grandaddy of awesome nicknames. Even his nickname is a grandaddy: being called "Rip" has been a tradition among men in his family for generations.
So there we have it, another class is inducted into the CineMania Hall Of Names! No matter what accomplishments these esteemed members may reach, or what failures they may have personally, there is one fact that is irrefutable: their names are fucking hilarious.  Whether you're a Bishop or an average Hugh Mun, whether you have shiny new Red Buttons or your clothes are Rip(ped) and Torn, whether you Wanamakok or not, I think we can all agree that Shakespeare was Screaming Mad. Names do matter. Abuba! Abuba!
Which actors have names that make you giggle like Elmo? Send them to us at cinemaniac@cinemania.co, or hit us up on Twitter: @RealCinemania


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