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Itsy Bitsy Bad Asses
By: Mickael
The average male height is approximately 70", or 5-foot 10-inches, tall. In general, when we choose our leading men for action films, we aim higher because we want the epitome of masculinity to appear on screen. We go for human beings that are above average in every way: they're better looking than normal guys, they're more muscular than your average dude, and they sure as shit better be larger than life. Like Arnold Scharzenegger: a 6'2" Austrian bodybuilder. Intimidating, like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: a 6'5" former football player and wrestler. Dominant, like "Thor" Bj√∂rnsson: the 6'9" Icelandic B-baller and strongman-turned-actor. They are giants among men, more akin to gods than humans. They are the prototypes for perfect, unstoppable bad asses in film.

Let's say you're a little on the small side, though... how are you supposed to identify with a main character whose peers include Atlas and Superman? Luckily for you and your Napoleon complex, Hollywood has been playing tricks on your eyes. There are plenty of muscle midgets out there, breaking bones and busting heads right under everyone's nose. Maybe you didn't realize that the highest grossing boxing match of all time (this year's Floyd Mayweather vs Manny Pacquiao bout) was fought between a couple of pint-sized pugilists: the 5'8" "Money" and the 5'5" "Pac-Man"! Without a pencil in the ring to indicate scale, it can be real difficult to tell who is a titanic man's man and who is a halfling, merely pretending to be a real adult. The measure of a man is not in his stature, however, but in his accomplishments. Minding that, I bring you this collection of on-screen tough guys that you fellow short stacks can take pride in standing shoulder-to-shoulder with. I hereby present to you, the Itsy Bitsy Bad Asses:
Freddy Krueger Is Only 5'9" Tall!
Freddy Krueger is only 69 inches tall. I'm told that I'm a fool for not noticing this before, and maybe it's just Robert Englund's scrawny lankiness playing a trick on me, but this is the 2nd-biggest shock to me of this list. I could tell that Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) was small because every movie role and TV cameo I've seen made him seem dwarfed by his co-stars. Tom Hardy (Mad Max) was also not a surprise, because the photos of Bane and Batman hanging out on the set of Dark Knight Rises were widely circulated online. Joining Hamill, Hardy, and Englund in the 5'9" club are the martial arts masters Donnie Yen, Jackie Chan, Stephen Chow, and Andy Lau. Not to stereotype, but there's no surprise there (the average height of Asian males is actually 5'7"). What does surprise me is that Wesley Snipes (Blade) is also in this height range, along with Antonio Banderas (Desperado), Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), Charles Bronson (Death Wish), Jamie Foxx (Django Unchained), and James Caan (Rollerball). All of these men, who typically appear so formidable on screen, are actually the same height as Steve Buscemi and Taylor Laughtner. Maybe the camera adds 6 inches? The 45 women you've sent dick pics to all confirm that no, it just doesn't.
The Incredible Hulk Is Only 5'8"!
Mark Ruffalo (Avengers) doesn't really play The Incredible Hulk. He plays Bruce Banner, while some overworked CGI crew actually creates the Hulk, leaving Mark the overwhelming task of showing up in pajama pants and grunting into a mic for a half an hour. Still, the Hulk's better half is played by the shortest male in a Marvel Studios movie, which explains why so many of Ruffalo's scenes are alongside the similarly-sized RDJ and Scarlett Johansson (5'3"); the rest of the Avengers crew are all out of their league. He's not all alone in having difficulty reaching the cupboards, as James Dean, Sean Penn, and shockingly Mark Wahlberg are all 5'8" as well. At least they can all look down on...
Scarface Is Only 5'7"!
This is an Oscar-worthy class of fun sized actors, right here. The demanding, shouty leading men that measure up to a mere 5'7" include Al Pacino, Harvey Keitel, Christoph Waltz, Sammo Hung, and the great Bruce Lee. If you didn't already know that Tom Cruise, despite his unkillable turns in the Mission Impossible films, Jack Reacher, and Oblivion (now 54 years of age!) was a half-pint, then you must be a Thetan immigrant or some such nonsense. It's also no surprise that perennial Tarantino-favorite Tim Roth is diminutive, although his larger-than-life personality, like Al Pacino's, often masks this particular shortcoming. It's very hard for me to imagine that the baddest lieutenant on the block, Harvey Keitel, is the same height as Ellen Degeneres, Amy Schumer, and Sarah Silverman. But, as a starting 5 in a Celebrity Basketball Game, I'd expect Pacino, Lee, Cruise, Roth, and Keitel to roll out the ball against this next squad...
Machete Is A Mere 5'6" Short!
This is the real shocker of this article. This one will cut you. Your entire love of violent films is about to be altered when you come to the realization that one of the biggest, baddest, toughest, scariest, and most authentic rough-and-tumble motherfuckers of them all is a mere 5'6". For perspective, because that's what this article is really all about, this person is shorter than Billy Crystal. Billy. Fucking. Crystal. is taller than... Danny Trejo, the man so Bad Ass that they gave him a whole franchise of films about him being Bad Ass, where every other character who meets him for the first time says "Holy Shit, you're that bad ass guy!" For years, he was the anonymous character actor who was typecast as prisoners (8 times), gang members (over 12 times), and other unseemly underworld types in literally hundreds of movies and TV shows before you ever knew his name.

Also, Tony Jaa and Jet Li are 5'6", so take that into consideration for a moment. The dudes who always play the small underdogs that are challenged with defeating the superior enemy using their incredible command of martial arts are the same size as the dominant, machete-wielding, bounty hunting, bad ass to end all bad asses. To round out the starting 5 for the Mighty Mice (as I'm calling them), we have our beloved Tom Savini (From Dusk Till Dawn) and Bolo Yeung (Bloodsport). Yeah, the guy that made JCVD look tiny is actually 4 inches shorter than him. That's some Peter Jackson-filming-the-Hobbits level trickery right there. Just to make things fair, the 6th man on this doomed squad is David Patrick Kelly from The Warriors and The Crow. To end this stupid waste of an article on a good mic drop moment, though, I bring you this incredibly high-tech and flawless height comparison chart that I obviously hired a firm of graphic artists to create:
Are you fixing to pitch a bitch fit over what I had to say? Please let us know at: cinemaniac@cinemania.co
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1 comment
Average Vote: 110.0/5


Peter
2017-02-03 13:40:45
Just a correction, Banderas its NOT a mexican, he is from spain, and is a short guy there...
 
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