Staying in your village wasn’t peaceful, and you dropped out of school after all of your classmates were murdered, so now it’s time to move to the big city and get yourself armed. You figure that living in close quarters with millions of other people may limit your exposure to danger. With so many potential targets, what is the chance that you, in particular, will die? You can also be armed on the streets without attracting too much attention, as long as you go to the police academy and get a shiny little broach that apparently lets you carry weapons in public. Interestingly, the Police Academy
is the one loophole to the “students often die” rule of films, as in all 7 movies, an animated series, and a live action TV show, no academy cadets ever died.
Once a police officer, things get tricky. You don’t want to be out there on your own, because we’ve already established that you’re a coward who fears death at every turn. Luckily, the police force has an option for little mamby pamby wimps like you: take a partner! The entire Brotherhood Of Blue will always have your back, but having a partner will ensure that backup is only a few feet away. It’s like having a bodyguard that you don’t have to pay for. You’d think that being a cop in movies is dangerous, but it really isn’t. Sure, you purposely seek out danger; but the minute you show up, danger runs away! Sometimes the bullets will fly, but whenever it’s convenient you where a bulletproof vest, and even though the world you call home is frought with peril from epic bad guys with high concept theft strategies, you always seem to have plenty of cops to back you up. There are infinite cops in any city at any time, according to films. In fact, only one type of police officer is in immense danger at any given moment: the main cop’s partner.
The tricky part is, how do you know in any partnership whether you’re the main guy, or the sidekick? When you’re in the moment it’s not like you know whose story we’re following. Well, here’s a hint: if you’re name is Ricky, Jimmy, Mikey, or Bobby and your partner’s name is Dick Steel or Max Falcon, then you may as well be wearing a Robin costume
. Being a partner to a hero cop is more dangerous and less rewarding than a part-time job working as a Little Caesar’s sign spinner on the side of the Autobahn during Oktoberfest
. Sure, you’ll be avenged by your partner, whether it’s Clint Eastwood
, Michael Douglas
, Humphrey Bogart
, Keanu Reeves
, or Tom Hanks
; but that is precious little consolation for a dead man. You’re best bet is to hope that you end up in a buddy cop action-comedy scenario, like a Lethal Weapon
, Tango & Cash
, Beverly Hills Cop
, Rush Hour
, or Dragnet
. Sure, there will be constant conflict and you’ll inevitably be captured and tortured, but at least you’ll survive. Maybe it’s best to just shun society again, and move to the mountains. I hear The Himalayas are great for clearing your mind...