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6 Movies That Have No Bitch In Them
By: Mickael
Allow me to start with a clarification: I don't mean "have no bitch in them" as a misogynistic way of saying that these films have an all-male cast. Nor am I using the term "bitch" to mean "complaints, whines, an expression of displeasure". What I mean to say is, rather inefficiently at this point, that I'm using "bitch" to mean one who brings about unnecessary drama. One who has such a weakness of personality, that it belies their intended nature. Many films purport to be macho, tough guy flicks who are only here to kick ass and chew bubblegum (but are all outta bubblegum), only to then devote a quarter of their run time to falsely building tension through romantic entanglements or precocious kid sidekicks. To paraphrase NWA, a bitch is a bitch; a person with a disease of character and attitude. Now, the title "bitch" don't apply to all films, but most films have a little bitch in them. It's like a disease that plagues their character.
The #1 purveyor of bitch-dom in otherwise badass films has to be the token love story. Every action hero has to have something to fight for and, as is often the case with lazy screenwriting, that something happens to be the love of their life. If you move in with Bruce Willis you're not signing a lease, you're signing a death warrant. I've often joked that the most dangerous job in film is to be Steven Seagal's wife, because in seemingly every one of his movies this character is abducted, raped, or murdered. I understand that the foundation of this trope is the impression that men are the protectors of their domain. Also, Hollywood producers have long held fast the notion that women simply won't buy a ticket if there isn't a romantic angle which affords female audiences the opportunity to identify with a character that gets to be ravaged by Jason Statham. Appealing to date night couples ensures that rated-R actioners, which are often difficult to market, will sell twice as many tickets as they otherwise would.
An unintended consequence of this damsel-in-distress device is that women are viewed as being fundamentally useless. The reason that the bad guys kidnap Steven Seagal's wife isn't because she actually holds value to their larger scheme, it's merely because she is seen as being Seagal's one and only weakness. They can't possibly destroy this big strong man, so they steal the one "thing" that matters to him. For storytelling purposes, this doesn't even need to be a human being. Replace the word "wife" with "Xbox One" in any of these scripts, and the movie won't actually play out any differently. "Steven Seagal IS Nico Toscani, a former CIA operative with a shady past and deadly fists, who is now a hard-boiled Chicago detective living happily with his Xbox One. After a drug bust goes sideways, Nico uncovers a drug smuggling plot being run by the very same CIA agent he used to work with. When he finds a United States Senator willing to join him in stopping these illegal covert operations, Nico's beloved Xbox One is put in the crosshairs of his enemies. Nico will stop at nothing to save his Xbox One and prove that no one is Above The Law! (In theaters this April)."
Please understand that I've lost family members, destroyed relationships, and buried friends who were far too young to die. I understand that interpersonal relationships are absolutely imperative to the human experience. However, the trite way these relationships are shoe-horned into films that are fundamentally about an unrelated conflict seems insincere and pandering. The most frustrating part of this trope, for me, is that the hero's perverse attempt at chivalry is actually just thinly-veiled male chauvinism. Women aren't portrayed as equals or partners. They aren't even relegated to the subordinate role of sidekick. Women in action films are seen as priceless, but decidedly powerless, commodities. Things to be lost or stolen, and then taken back into the protagonist's possession. This is a shameful way for Hollywood to depict women; especially in this, the era of Ronda Rousey, when audiences are sophisticated enough to respect women for their tenacity and toughness.
Once upon a time, I had a lot of bitch in me. After a particularly brutal defeat in the arena of romance, I found myself humiliated and despondent. At work, my mind would be cluttered with thoughts of my annihilated relationship and the devastating impact this had on other parts of my life, leading me to hide in the restroom and cry. I had no home, all my belongings fit into the back of my perpetually broken PT Cruiser, and worst of all my manhood was disintegrated. The only strength I found at the time came from listening to NWA's A Bitch Iz A Bitch: "It makes 'em go deaf in the ear, and that's why when you say 'Hi', she won't say 'hi'. Are you the kind that thinks you're too damn fly? Bitch, eat shit and die!" Through the clearly misogynistic lyrics, I was able to marginalize the person that had made me feel weak. It took me out of the fetal position I had occupied for weeks and allowed me the impression that I had power.
Surprisingly, this turned out to not be a valid coping mechanism. After being set up with a temporary living arrangement in an foreclosed house in the swamp, I found myself with a lot of free time. Lonely, isolated free time. The false fortitude afforded to me by my brothers in NWA couldn't withstand the overwhelming onslaught of insecure thoughts bombarding me every second of the day. Because there was no broadcast TV, internet, or cable service in the swamp, I bought loads of bargain DVDs to distract me from my self-loathing. The funny thing about being lonely is that you finally have the time to watch anything you've ever wanted, yet what you normally end up watching is the muck scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I watched Jersey Girl. It touched me on an emotional level, breaking me down into tears. Like I said, I had a lot of bitch in me. Eventually I called my mom, as broken men are wont to do, and she revealed to me what strength truly is. She said, "You can't control what other people do, you can only control how you react. Your own actions are what define you, not what others have done to you."
Now that we've broken down what it means to have some bitch in you, let's get to the point of this thing: showing you films that got 99 problems, but being a bitch ain't 1. Action movies so jammed full of ass-kicking mayhem, they didn't have room in their ammunition cans for any bubblegum. Here's our top 6 bad ass flicks that don't have no bitch in them:
#6) They Live (1988)
They Live is more than just a film; it's pure anti-establishment sentiment, crystalized. Pro wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper plays Nada, a drifter who uncovers the truth about our materialistic society: that it's actually just a method of control used by aliens that have taken over the earth. He teams up with fellow big, hulking bad ass Keith David to take on the invaders. John Carpenter brilliantly adapted the short story "Eight O'Clock in the Morning" into this screenplay, which he also directed, but credit for the best line in the movie actually goes to Piper himself. The Icon was ad-libbing on set, and decided to pull a one-liner that he had formed for a wrestling promo, "I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum." Though this film is technically a Sci Fi thriller, it has everything a great action flick normally advertises: bad ass characters, a brutal fight scene, guns, and one-liners. The one thing it leaves out is the token love story, which is why it's the first film on this list.
5) Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Shoot 'Em Up is a 2007 action film, starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci. The film is about a drifter (Owen) who rescues a newborn from being killed by an assassin (Giamatti) and his thugs. The drifter flees from the gang, enlisting the help of a prostitute (Bellucci) to keep the baby safe as he unravels the conspiracy. The film was written and directed by Michael Davis and produced by Susan Montford, Don Murphy and Rick Benattar. The film was released on September 7, 2007. Despite receiving generally positive reviews, Shoot 'Em Up underperformed at the box office. It went on to become a cult film. Peter Debruge of Variety called the film "violent and vile in equal measure", and Frank Scheck of The Hollywood Reporter said, "Anyone looking for subtlety, character development or layered plotting will be disappointed, but action fans will find plenty to amuse them with this film that makes Hard Boiled look restrained". -from Wikipedia
4) Black Dynamite (2009)
Black Dynamite is an American blaxploitation action comedy film starring Michael Jai White, Tommy Davidson, and Salli Richardson. The film was directed by Scott Sanders and co-written by White, Sanders, and Byron Minns, who also co-stars. The plot centers on former CIA agent Black Dynamite, who must avenge his brother's death while cleaning the streets of a new drug that is ravaging the community. Owen Gleiberman wrote in Entertainment Weekly, "Black Dynamite blends satire, nostalgia, and cinema deconstruction into a one-of-a-kind comedy high", noting Sanders captured the language and feel of blaxploitation. Roger Ebert awarded the film three stars out of four, and said, "Black Dynamite gets it mostly right, and when it's wrong, it's wrong on purpose and knows just what it's doing." He added that the film meticulously reproduces 1970s blaxploitation and brings back much-needed gratuitous nudity. -From Wikipedia
3) Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Mad Max: Fury Road is a post-apocalyptic action film directed and produced by George Miller, and written by Miller, Brendan McCarthy and Nico Lathouris. The fourth instalment in the Mad Max franchise, the film is set in a future desert wasteland where gasoline and water are scarce commodities. It follows Max Rockatansky (Tom Hardy), who joins forces with Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) to flee from cult leader Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne) and his army in an armoured tanker truck, which leads to a lengthy road battle. The film also features Nicholas Hoult, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Riley Keough, ZoĂ« Kravitz, Abbey Lee, and Courtney Eaton.  Peter Bradshaw wrote, "Extravagantly deranged, ear-splittingly cacophonous, and entirely over the top, George Miller has revived his Mad Max punk-western franchise as a bizarre convoy chase action-thriller in the post-apocalyptic desert." - From Wikipedia
2) Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Reservoir Dogs is a neo-noir crime thriller film that depicts the events before and after a botched diamond heist. The film was the feature-length debut of director and writer Quentin Tarantino, and stars Harvey Keitel, Michael Madsen, Steve Buscemi, Chris Penn, Lawrence Tierney and Tim Roth. Tarantino and criminal-turned-author Edward Bunker have minor roles. It incorporates many themes that have become Tarantino's hallmarks—violent crime, pop culture references, profanity, and nonlinear storytelling. The film has become a classic of independent film and a cult hit. The film has received substantial criticism for its strong violence and language. During a screening at Sitges Film Festival, fifteen people walked out, including horror film director Wes Craven and special makeup effects artist Rick Baker. Tarantino commented about it at the time: "It happens at every single screening. For some people the violence, or the rudeness of the language, is a mountain they can't climb. That's OK. It's not their cup of tea. But I am affecting them." -From Wikipedia
1) Predator (1987)
Predator is the dictionary definition of the word "macho". Director John McTiernan has found a way to put fermented blood, sweat, and bullets into a whiskey barrel and pull out distilled masculinity. When Arnold Schwarzenegger's character is, at best, the third baddest dude in your crew, you know you're on to something. Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Sonny Landham, a very young Shane Black, and pro wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura all co-star in this epic piece of bad assery. Lines like, "If it bleeds, we can kill it", "This stuff'll make you a God-damn sexual tyrannosaurus, like me!", and "I ain't got time to bleed" weren't merely typed on a page, they were chiseled onto the tombstones of the writer's enemies. Tombstones he would use to beat those bastards to death, prior to burying their carcasses in his yard as fertilizer for his Venus flytrap garden. Each Venus flytrap is named after a different brand of chewing tobacco. He adjusts his belt, which is actually a live rattlesnake, tosses a killer bee to Skoal, and heads inside to shave his face with a chainsaw. The writer of Predator has not a single, solitary drop of bitch in him. That's why it's number 1 on this list.
These aren't the only films with no bitch in them, obviously. I could do a 12-part series about badass flicks that never try to trick you into the weeps. Films that are such pure, unadulterated testosterone that they impregnate everyone who sees them. And you know what? I just fucking might. Stay tuned, Cinemaniacs.
Are you fixing to pitch a bitch fit over what I had to say? Please let us know at: cinemaniac@cinemania.co
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