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Damsels In Undress;
The 13 Sexiest Scream Queens Of All Time
By: Cool Whip Johnson
As Halloween rapidly approaches, our thoughts turn to chainsaw massacres and undead uprisings. Costumes are being stitched with care, while fake blood boils on the stovetop. The smell of roasting pumpkin seeds fills the air as small children with large knives hack and carve away at the empty husk of the orange gourd, each eager to make the most gruesome sculpture. Yes, Halloween is a holiday reserved for the macabre, the grotesque, and the sanguineous...

But it's not ALL about that, is it? There are two parts to the horror formula: the malicious big bad, and the sympathetic victim. With as much attention as we pay to the wicked witches, sinister slashers, and bloodthirsty beasts; it's easy to overlook the better half of horror's intoxicating sex & violence cocktail. Well, we seek to rectify that today, as we share our 13 favorite B-movie bimbos-- wait, is that too misogynistic? I'm no prude, but basically turning human beings into sexualized objects is a bit of a douchey move, isn't it?

The thing is, I just want to admire the female form, and not merely in a pornographic way. I don't want to demean anyone here or to marginalize a person's work. To say that these actresses are nothing more than "pretty faces" is to undermine their role in the films. A so-called "scream queen", the ultimate damsel in distress, lives to be a vessel for the audience. We see the film through her eyes. We experience her panic, her pain, her terror... a great victim is arguably as important to the success of a film as the killer!
Sometimes, these women are chosen solely for their beauty in the hopes that putting a provocative image on the movie poster will seduce horny young men into buying tickets. But often, the image of an overmatched, unprepared young lady quivering in the corner as she tries to plan her next move for survival is an all-too-real moment that many of us can relate to. Even men experience extreme anxiety and feelings of helpessness. I've frequently had dreams where I'm being attacked by a large aggressor and I lunge at him in a rage, only for my fists to ineffectively glance off of him as though I'm a small, weak child throwing a temper tantrum... that's why I carry a machete with me everywhere I go. It's easy to identify with a meek, frightened character who is faced with an overwhelming evil!

But, I'm not interested in merely choosing the 13 most sympathetic victims in horror movies, or the 13 most amazing performances. What I'm interested in is restoring a little balance. At this time of year, everybody is so interested in sharing the most grisly kills, the scariest moments, or the creepiest movies to watch. I want to add a little beauty to this beastly affair. Let us not forget that every killer needs a victim; and the more beautiful, the better! Here are the 13 Sexiest Scream Queens of All Time!
#13) Traci Lords
Traci started her career in adult films when she was only 16 years old, the revelation of which (years later) caused a tremendous controversy and led to her exile from the porn industry. She became quite a well-known star in mainstream films, especially B-movies, starring in Not Of This Earth (1988), Shock 'Em Dead (1991), Skinner (1993), and Blade (1998).

#12) Alexandra Daddario
Alexandra Daddario should really do more horror movies. Her wild eyes allow her to play a maniac as well as a panicked victim, and let's face it; she's beautiful enough to be #1 on anybody's list. She could be the modern-day Barbara Steele!

#11) Barbara Crampton
Gorgeous, talented and charismatic blonde actress Barbara Crampton achieved her greatest enduring cult popularity as sweet college coed "Megan Halsey" in Stuart Gordon's terrific Re-Animator  (1985). She gave an excellent performance as the ambitious, but prim  and repressed "Dr. Katherine McMichaels" in the equally fine From Beyond (1986).

#10) Rose McGowan
Rose McGowan is an American actress and director, known for her contribution to independent film. she has appeared in acclaimed films by Gregg Araki, Wes Craven, Brian De Palma, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Her curvaceous, buxom figure & dark red lipstick are her trademarks.

#9) Michelle Bauer
Michelle was a Penthouse Pet in 1981, who then began making adult films under the name "Pia Snow" and "Pia Sands" before transitioning into horror and B-movies. Her friendship with Linnea Quigley has seen the two work together on multiple occasions. She's a bona fide scream queen who I feel is too often overlooked.

#8) Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Winstead's talent will take her far beyond her innocent looks. She may appear as a quintessential "girl next door", but her acting ability should earn her a spot in the upper echelon. When she appears in a movie, she carries it (and she has for a long time). Even in the ridiculous "Monster Island", at 19 years old, she had a noticeable screen presence. Everything she touches turns to gold: Final Destination 3 might just be the best of the series, Black Christmas was a worthy remake, she was great in The Thing (2011); and I thought for sure that horror fans would be losing her to mainstream dramas. But then, In 10 Cloverfield Lane, she showed that great performances and horror do not need to be mutually exclusive.
#7) Karen M. Waldron
The gorgeous Karen Mistal Waldron is always a sight to behold on screen, but her characters are noticeably flatter than she is. While each and every one of Miss Waldron's parts may be stunning, her acting parts are just rehashed "ditzy bimbo" stereotypes. Don't get me wrong, though, I ain't changing the channel. Since she never made a true "slasher", it's hard to call her a scream queen... but what, would you rather I put Jamie Lee Curtis here? You would rather look at the Activia spokewoman than a supermodel? Are you fucking crazy?

#6) Linnea Quigley
She is the Queen of the B's! If her graveyard strip in Return Of The Living Dead wasn't a pause-and-rewind moment for you, then I pity your existence. She dominated the horror scene throughout the 80s and 90s, often starring in campy, over-the-top B-movie parodies. She is the ultimate scream queen with an unbeatable resume!

#5) Madeline Smith
Madeline Smith is my personal favorite, and there are two very big reasons why.
Her eyes, of course. She looks like a human cupie doll with barbie doll proportions. Smith is a shapely, dark haired British actress who appeared in a number of sensual  film and TV roles that showcased her beauty. She is most known as Miss Caruso, the beautiful young Italian agent sleeping  with James Bond in the opening of Live and Let Die (1973), however her brief stint as a Hammer horror girl is where she caught my attention.

#4) Caroline Munro
Caroline Munro is another British-born Bond girl, who was Vincent Price's deceased wife in the Dr. Phibes movies before taking a contract with Hammer films. Her career flourished throughout the late 70s to mid 80s, before she took some time away from moviemaking. She returned in the mid-2000s, her legacy as a horror beauty so cemented that she continues to easily find work in the genre.

#3) Linda Blair
There are two types of people on this planet: those who hear the name "Linda Blair" and think "that girl from the Exorcist" and those who think "I own literally every one of her movies". I'm not sure what it is that promotes such a fervent fandom for someone who could so easily have seen her career diminish in the transition from child star to adult. Oh, wait, I know what it was: Chained Heat. Yeah... that turned her from an occasional cheap horror flick cameo into a Shannon Tweed-like sex symbol all through the 80s.

#2) Adrienne Barbeau
Adrienne Jo Barbeau is an American actress and author best known for her roles in horror films, especially those directed by John Carpenter, with whom she was once married. Early on in her career, she starred in Someone's Watching Me! (1978), The Fog (1980), Escape from New York (1981) and Swamp Thing (1982), all John Carpenter-related projects. She has collaborated with George A. Romero on occasion, such as the Stephen King-scripted Creepshow (1982) and Two Evil Eyes (1990). Her work with other horror directors includes the Wes Craven comic book monster movie Swamp Thing (1982).
#1) Barbara Steele
The most beautiful star of the greatest horror masterpiece of Italian film, Black Sunday (1960). Barbara is loved by her fans for her talent, intelligence, and a dark, mysterious beauty that is unique; her face epitomizes either sweet innocence, or malign evil (she is wonderful to watch either way). She has become an icon of classic horror beauty, known as The Queen of all Scream Queens. The still-lovely Barbara still acts occasionally, her latest film was the Ryan Gosling-directed Lost River (2014). Even well past 60, Barbara Steele is still beautiful and her fans still love her.
Are you fixing to pitch a bitch fit over what I had to say?
Got a better set of Scream Queens that we should be adoring?
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