Cory from the 1980s Movie Graveyard has decided to get into video distribution. This is a good thing! Here’s why:
Having been a cult film fanatic for many years, I see a dangerous reality facing movie lovers: homogenation. The streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Video are invading the world’s living rooms, like some Edward Nygma creation, intent on controlling our minds and sucking out our brains.
What many people perceive as free choice and “cord cutting” to escape the dangerous monopoly of cable companies, is actually just a new style of programming. Major corporations are now able to manipulate your viewing habits and control your choices, and you’re happily paying them for the privilege! Whereas with conventional cable packages, only a select few households were being tracked for ratings (Nielsen households); nowadays your streaming service is tracking EVERYTHING that is watched by every viewer. This data is incredibly valuable to big time distributors like Universal, Warner Bros, and Disney, because it is essentially a window into your mind. They know exactly what you like to watch, and so they gear their next revival, adaptation, or reboot specifically to cater to these viewing habits.
That sounds nice in theory, but in reality it’s like noticing that your kid seems to like Twinkies more than broccoli, so you just start feeding the little shit a steady diet of saturated fat and sugar, 3 meals a day, every day. At first the chubby little fucker will be thrilled, but within a few months (if she survives that long from malnutrition) her little teeth will be rotted away and she’ll be fatter than Honey Boo Boo after being locked in the Golden Corral overnight. She’ll have diabetes so bad, a blood transfusion of Hershey’s syrup would be an improvement. She’ll be caught in a gangland battle between the Lollipop Guild and the Oompa Loompas. Before you know it, the little bitch’ll be mainlining Nutella and snorting pixie sticks just to make the pain go away. And after that last tooth falls out, she’ll be offering gum-jobs to The Candyman for hits of nougat, and who even knows what that shit is cut with?
What the fuck was I talking about?
Oh, right: streaming services!
So, like, there’s nothing wrong with streaming, right? It’s better than paying Time Warner or Comcast some outrageous fee for a bundle of 75 channels, when you only watch 4 of them anyway. But, the algorithms and recommendation engines used by streaming services are atrocious and oftentimes border on being an invasion of privacy. Also, they’re mining your data and selling it to those same big corporations that you thought you were escaping from. Over the long run, this data results in the destruction of the creative process. Producers and other executives are making decisions not based on what will create the most fascinating or cutting edge story, or on trying to challenge their audience with an important message. Instead, they’re just focused on placating the masses with a steady diet of rehashed concepts and cliches that seem to be “trending” this year. It’s one of the many reasons you’re faced with tons of shitty reboots at the theater this year. It’s the bitter end of artistry in cinema. It’s a damn shame, is what it is.
And do you feel confident in how you pronounce “worcestershire sauce”? Because I sure don’t!
Here’s what’s you can do: support indie film every chance you get. About once or twice a year, I get a bug in my bonnet about some independent movie project, and I ask you guys to help. Sometimes you do, and it makes you look incredibly sexy. Sometimes you don’t, and it gives you those fat, floppy triceps that old ladies have. You know what I’m talking about. “Bingo Wings”, I think they’re called. They wave proudly, like a flag in the breeze, only they’re made of sagging flesh. But every time you support indie filmmakers and distributors, something wonderful happens: I don’t know exactly what, but it’s wonderful. Maybe your penis will grow bigger. Don’t you want a longer, thicker penis?
Here’s what’s going on with The 1980s Movie Graveyard: they’re getting into the distribution of indie films, horror, b-movies, and even indie pro wrestling! (They’ll be releasing, for the first time ever, DVDs from our good friends at Pro Wrestling Blitz!) But, in order to start up this part of their business, Cory needs a wee bit of help. He’s started a GoFundMe to raise a few bucks to legally secure the rights for the films he plans to release. He’s not asking for a handout though, because he’s a stand up guy. He wants to reward his contributors and the people who believe in his dream (like I do). So, if you contribute a meager $25 to the cause, he’s promising that you’ll receive the first 5 releases when production starts. If you contribute $50, you’ll get the first 10 releases. And, if you’re feeling generous, $100 will get you EVERY release, as it comes out!
Not only will you be receiving some rare flicks and supporting an indie film distributor (and also the fiulmmakers and entertainers), but you’ll be helping to get art out to the masses, man. Not corporate bullshit, but like REAL fucking art, man! Isn’t that beautiful?